Miscarriage- The Pain That Society Doesn't Accept
A short time ago it was announced on the evening news that there is an epidemic of obesity in my country. An "Epidemic", according to the night time news is 1 in 4 people. So that means anything that is a challenge health wise, bringing suffering must be an epidemic, right? If that's the case then I can confirm that in the western world we have a miscarriage epidemic.
Miscarriage is one of the most common and significant losses in a woman’s life, yet no one talks about it, no one openly discusses it and certainly no one understands it. Especially when it comes to understanding the devastating grief that goes with it.
At 14 weeks gestation I lost my baby. In fact I painfully gave birth to my dead baby on the bathroom floor, only to be told by friends "you can always have another one" and "yeah but you're a positive person, you'll get over it."
One friend said to me two weeks after I lost my baby "are you all okay now, back to your old positive self?" Was she kidding? Just because I'm a positive person doesn't mean I don't feel grief. (Where DOES that misconception come from?)
One woman I spoke to about it even tried to talk me out of my grief saying "yes but look at all the positives that have come out of it, I bet you're stronger now."
Positives? What's positive about a baby dying in your body?
One social worker friend who I was close to for over ten years didn't even call me when I left a message and told him what happened. He said later he was busy.
It's enough to drive you insane.
And the bonus line that Doctors and care providers love to give "Its very common." So are car accidents but you would never put your arm around a car accident victim and say "Don't worry its very common." You would feel like a right twit. But people don't seem to mind saying it to a woman who has just had a miscarriage. In fact people feel justified because it was not a "real" baby. It was just a bit of blood.
You see, a woman connects with that baby from day 1. She imagines a giving birth to a beautiful baby who loves her, and whom she can love. She imagines the bond and the love with her from the moment she finds out she's pregnant. She imagines a 5 year old running around the house, sharing each others lives, sharing each others love. Pregnancy is the promise of a best friend who will never leave you. Its a happiness you can only liken to childhood joy at Christmas time, or being in love for the very first time. Its the most emotionally uplifting time of your life.
When the child dies, whether at 2 weeks of pregnancy or at 18 weeks, that happiness she felt becomes replaced with a crushing loss and heavy sadness. Its not only been taken from her, (often without any answers from medicos as to why) but the physical signs of a death has occurred right in her own body. The blood she experiences for almost two weeks is the blood of the death that has occurred in her own body. The death of the best friend.
The blood is frightening and so is the prospect of facing the world again with this devastating loss. And knowing that she will never get the right support, so she chooses to keep this a secret. This is accompanied with, (Often) crushing feelings of guilt. "What if I hadn't bent over to pick up the spoon that dropped on the floor", "what if I hadn’t stood up for so long at work, "what if I'd had the low fat biscuit instead of the full fat one" etc, etc. The mental hounding is unbearable.
The good news is that society can have a big influence on a woman’s healing and emotional recovery. You see the more people express their lack of support , the longer she grieves and the harder the grief is to accept. Other people have the power to help her, and that’s a great thing.
Lets look at the healing power that we can have for her;
Firstly if a woman you know has had a miscarriage:
Don't try to talk her out of it by always talking about the positive things that have come out of it. Accept her feelings after all that blissful happiness has vanished and been replaced with loss and grief that has changed her as a person its so profound. There's nothing positive about loosing a beloved baby.
Don't Avoid her. If you are uncomfortable just remember it’s not about you; its about her. It’s her loss and you don't have to feel uncomfortable just because it’s a fertility related issue.
Don't try to "cheer her up." It will only appear worse and she will feel as if you are not really understanding her or wanting to let her be herself.
Don't give her advice. The last thing a grieving woman wants to hear is what she "should" do, or what she "must" so.
Don't say "yes but at least you have other children." The other children aren't the problem, the loss her new child is the problem.
Don't say "well at least you conceived straight away, not many couples can do that." Whether she tried to conceive once or fifty times she's still experienced a huge loss.
The best thing that you can do is:
Support her and ask if there is anything you can do.
Send her flowers to acknowledge her loss.
Write a simple message on a card "sorry for the loss of your little baby."
Offer to help her honor her baby in the form of a plant or a candle.
Ask if she needs practical help such as housework or running errands.
Ask her what date the baby would have been born, then around that date send her some flowers to say you are thinking of her.
Take her out and celebrate her baby’s life, no matter how short it was it still touched her deeply.
And the best thing you can do to start changing how societies view of miscarriage; acknowledge it openly and talk about it with her.
Together we can make a significant change to grieving women and help them recovery and feel happiness again.
